Today I watched a discussion on euthanasia.
The topic has never sat well with me, even before I became severely ill. Maybe it's religious, I do believe only God has the right to give and take life, and we are merely mortal. And from being a nurse I always believed strongly that my role was to heal and help, prematurely ending life was wrong.
My ill health causes me to to think about euthanasia on a different level. My quality of life, to most people on the outside looking in, is pretty poor. I've had people tell me that if they were as ill as me they wouldn't carry on living!!
I'm an insanely positive person and always find the silver living in any situation and find a glimmer of something good on the very worst of days where all hope is beyond lost. This is how I cope. How I face another day of the same or worse than the day before. And those days soon turn into years. It's fucking hard work to stay positive and strong. Take new years eve for example, I was as miserable as sin!! One of those days where you compare to years gone by. I was much worse, health-wise, than the year before, than any other year in my 26 years. And the thought of being the same, or worse (as per the trend) in a years time made me just want to throw the towel in!
And yet.....
Is giving up really an option? People often say 'that's it, I give up!! I can't cope with anymore' do they mean death? Surely life does what it's going to do and we have to go with it or we die. I struggle with the finality of death. The idea of being without pain, fatigue and the Neverending barrage of symptoms and diagnoses that I fight every second of everyday for the past decade sounds overwhelmingly appealing but I have a passion for life that burns in my chest and keeps me going day after day. I may have a shit life but I make the best of it any way I can and strive for more. That tiny glimmer of hope that someday I might improve or even get better. Please, God!!
Yesterday I read that my life expectancy is meant to be 57. That's young, I know, but it means another 30 years and 40 years total of being riddled with disease that has sucked life from me over the years. No days off for good behaviour, no respite whatsoever, just a smile painted on my face pretending everything's ok!
I have digressed wildly from my original point. I apologise. And I've also banged on about my health a lot, which you don't want to hear about. It's boring and I truly don't want your pity.
The euthanasia topic was about people wanting to die before they got old and infirm. I mean, what the fuck?!! When I hear about people going to dignitas and they are more well than I am and they consider their life to be not worth living, it sort of hurts. I feel like there is a value put on my life. I'm not worth a huge amount, by all accounts. Am I deluding myself by fighting the fight and staying positive and strong. Should I give up now before things get any worse? They spoke about pain, immobility and being a burden, that's the worst anyone could be and prerequisites for wanting to end it all. I tick all the boxes.
But I don't want to die.
