The Wedding

On Saturday 25th June my baby brother got married.

J was born on 19th may 1988, 6 weeks before my 4th birthday. Sentimentally I still see him as that tiny puce little baby that came screaming into my life. I literally cannot express in words how much I love him. He's my baby and always will be.

Sadly, I wasn't able to be there on his special day.

I have known from the day they named the date, some eighteen months ago, that I wouldn't be able to attend. And yet, like every element of my life, I clung onto as much hope as I could muster.

I lived with the day coming towards me with this burning pain in my chest. I felt guilty (catholic!!) for being in so much pain that it was detracting from my brothers special day. I wish him so much joy and love. He has phoned me with excitement talking about plans for his day, while I silently sobbed. I worried as well that my absence would stop my family from enjoying the day. Catholic guilt is a killer!!!

Running up to the day we all lost count of the number of times people asked "isn't there some way Laura could go, even just for the service?". I know they had the best of intentions and find it so hard to understand how someone can be completely confined to the house. It's not as if I would just suffer after the event. I would die to see my brother marry. Hearing that question made me want to scream - If there was anyway I could be there don't you think I would be?!

On the big day I spoke to J in the morning and once again silently cried as he told me he was heartbroken I wouldn't be there and it was so unfair. I was determined to be so strong but was breaking down at the first hurdle.

Before the service my family (mum, dad, auntie and uncle) came round and showed me their wedding outfits. My mum looked absolutely stunning....breathtaking!! I welled up at the sight of her. As they left every fibre of my being was screaming at me to go with them. I couldn't just sit there!! But realistically I had no choice, I couldn't make it beyond the front door without having a seizure.

My mum took my phone and was sending me pictures all through the day. Each one set off a burst of emotion. Seeing my ratbag baby brother who usually wears jeans that hang well below his arse and any old t shirt was suited and booted in his wedding suit. I couldn't have been more proud. To see him and his bride (S) was overwhelming. He really had become a man. Husband and father. And to think people had written him off as a child, before he was even a teenager, and I hope that they choke on their words and their thoughts. J has grown into an incredible man.

In the evening, J phoned me. He was overwhelmed by my video message that was played at the reception. We were both very emotional and must've said we loved each other about 20 times. He read me his speech and said about me "please raise a humungous glass to my sister L who i know it is killing her not being here due to her uncompromising health". So succinct, it's perfect. In the end we were both crying down the phone.

It was such a perfect day for J and S, I wish I could've shared it with them, but some things in life you just have no control over. I know I was overly emotional, but it was literally the hardest day I can remember. A special thank you to my special Facebook and twitter friends....you know who you are.

My unending love to J and S, love you to death. Congratulations!!! See you after your honeymoon!!

Lou Lou xxxx